Valentine’s Day – Is it Real Love or Just Attachment?
When I was a young woman, I had a boyfriend who was going on a trip. Before he left, he gave me a card to open up everyday while he was away. That was the sweetest gesture a man has ever done for me. The love day is fast approaching. Who doesn’t love celebrating love? I know I do. Sometimes we confuse love with attachment. Is your love real love or attachment only?
Love is selfless- attachment is selfish
When you get up in the morning, do you think of ways to make the other person happy that he/she is married to you? During the day, you focus on making the other person happy. Do you fight over chores? We shouldn’t fight over who’s going to wash the dishes. You don’t emotionally blackmail each other. We don’t try to manipulate each other. You don’t seek to dominate them. If you do these things, it’s not love. Love doesn’t behave that way.
When you are merely attached to someone, you focus on ways that your lover can make you happy. You get angry when they don’t do that. We may become heavily dependent on them. You try to control them because you don’t want to get abandoned. Instead of confronting your inner demons, you use your partner to improve your self-esteem or to fill a void. You become frustrated and angry at your partner if they fail to keep you happy. You do everything to make you happy, happy, happy, because that is the highest value these days.
Love is liberating and attachment is controlling
When you have two people who love each other, they allow each other to be their true selves, which includes weaknesses and all. This is a good catalyst for personal growth. When we can be true to ourselves and get support, we are becoming our better selves. Love is not controlling.
Attachment is discouraging your partner from spending time with his/her friends and playing mind games, which puts an unhealthy focus on pleasing you. You may try to manipulate them so they will stay with you even if they don’t want to do it. This is not love. This is desperate attachment.
Love is mutual growth – attachment is encumbering
When you are in love, you encourage each other to grow, read, and have fun in life. When both of you are working to help the other person maximize the best version of themselves, you both become better and you both are happy. In short, you stimulate each other to delve into life, experience new things and be happy. This is love.
When you are in attachment, you control your spouse because you are insecure. You don’t want them to grow because you fear you might lose them. For example, your spouse may not want you to go back to school or lose weight.
Love is lasting and Attachment is Transient.
Love survives the passages of time and the ups and downs of life. There may be a breakup for some reason but if you are truly in love, that person will always have a place in your heart, and you will continue to wish them well.
If on the other hand you were merely attached, you are going to be a bitter, angry, and anxious person trying to get back at them.
Love is ego reducing and attachment is ego boosting
The other person is there for the purpose of you feeling spectacular. Groupies do this and find famous people, get attached and become special simply because they are attached.
When you are in love, you become very less self-centered. Your relationship doesn’t go around tickling your ego. It makes you become less selfish, more loving, and you aren’t dominated by ego. You are dominated by compassion and generosity.
Attachment is all about ego. Because I have you, I am something special.
Real love is how much you enjoy waking up every morning and making their day a little special and doing something for him/her that makes them happy.
So, this Valentine’s Day, don’t forget that little something that makes your lover know that he/she is your one and only Valentine. Make him happy and feel your heart grow. Loving well, makes you feel good!