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Orgasm Eyes Open Contact Sex

There are married couples that no longer kiss much during sex. Couples will bypass the painful emptiness in their kisses and instead focus on touching each other’s genitals. Each of them may achieve orgasm through a mechanical like quality in their physical exchanges in the bedroom. Couples often miss what it’s like to have true intimacy while achieving orgasm. Couples with their eyes wide open during sex may have a brand new sizzling sex life.

One of my girlfriends was celebrating her 10 year anniversary with her husband. She wanted to go with me and some girlfriends to Frederick’s of Hollywood to gather up a few sexual toys to celebrate the event.  While walking through the store, I realized that one can learn a lot about eroticism in a store like Frederick’s.

In one aisle a man and woman were looking for something they both like. They teased each other with various items, trying on different “tones” of sex. As they walked towards the cash register with their choice, the couple clearly chose the “harlot” over the “baby doll.”

In every case, it was like staring into people’s bedrooms and their heads. I suddenly felt a kinship with each of them. I wasn’t the only one looking around. Browsing through the store was like having group sex with our clothes on as we walked through the aisles. It was a club for adults celebrating human sexuality.

We have all encountered sexual vibes while walking down the street. Eyes meet. People realize they’re making contact and they are really seeing each other and liking what they see. They feel each other. It sometimes happens without even looking. Just stand near someone in an elevator, ostensibly watching the floor numbers light up.

There’s nothing magic about sexual vibes. As a species, we’ve sent and received vibes ever since we became social animals. It’s no different from sensing another’s joy, sadness, pain or anger. We can barely explain how we do it.

This brings us to the real point of discussing sexual vibes: remember that sizzle of “electric” eye contact with a stranger across a room? When was the last time you felt that with your partner? Married couples often wish they had in the bedroom what they feel just walking down the street. Few long-term couples exchange sexual vibes during sex.

Spouses acutely sense the loss of sizzle. Some fights about lack of sex are really about lack of quality, which is absent of sexual vibes.

Loss of Sizzle in Marriage

Let’s use Theresa and Philip as an example of having a lack of sizzle in the bedroom. Theresa complained that she had to keep telling and showing Philip how to touch her. She said he didn’t care enough to learn what she liked. Philip claimed that she complained when he did the very thing she told him to do last time. Theresa accused Philip of not caring enough to pay attention to what he was doing. Philip replied that Theresa was never satisfied with anything he did for her.

It was obvious that Theresa saw Philip as insensitive. It sounds like she was saying that she was leading someone who can’t feel what he’s doing.  Theresa was elated that she was understood.

Philip was a perfect demonstration that a man can rub a clitoris the way his partner instructs – side to side or up and down but still not make contact with her. Theresa resented having to give instructions like “a little to the left and slower.” She said it was like she was leading the blind. The point is, she was!

Philip was “blind” because he had no vibrational link to guide him; he had to do it as a technique. Philip had no sense of what he was really trying to do to Theresa. He was trying to rub her skin a particular way, in a specific spot with a specific pattern of pressure and motion.

The two of them were not feeling each other when they touched.  Philip is trying to touch Theresa the way she wants when he isn’t able to feel her.  Theresa isn’t giving Philip any sensory feedback so Philip can know how Theresa is experiencing it.  Will Theresa let anybody really know her? Has Philip ever had enough real contact with the people he loved to even know the difference?

It’s as if Theresa is saying to Philip, “Don’t you dare feel me during sex!” Philip is saying, “OK, if that’s what you want, I’ll touch you without feeling!”

When couples stop sending and receiving sexual vibes, they are touching without feeling. Touching each other is very different from feeling each other. Blocking emotional connection while touching isn’t as contradictory as it sounds. In fact, we do it all the time in sex. You can block feeling during kissing and foreplay, intercourse and even oral sex (imagine doing it while you don’t like the taste).

Touching and Feeling

Feeling or not feeling; the people you love isn’t just about sex. When you really feel your partner, the difference is electric. You can tell if and when this happens for many men: that’s when they ejaculate.

The most common sexual style is focused on sensation in the body with eyes closed. It makes your body function to orgasm. But if you’re hoping to celebrate your golden anniversary with a smile on your face, you need to move beyond this style. Bypassing your partner blocks profound sexual experience. It creates minimally satisfying orgasms and boring sex in marriage. And it makes your partner more likely to rub faster or harder-or stop rubbing altogether because he or she can’t feel you.

Lots of people withdraw into their sensations when they’re having sex and break contact with their partners. The same people may complain, “I don’t like sex when it’s just a technique. But the deeper truth is they’re uncomfortable with the alternative.

When you focus on your technique, you aren’t focused on your partner – even though you’re dong the technique for her. Doing something to or for your partner isn’t necessarily the same as being with her.

There is often minimal love in ‘lovemaking’ because partners don’t have sex with each other; instead, they pay attention to their technique. You relate to your roles and behaviors instead of to your partner.

Couples need to establish a vibrational link with each other. One suggestion to make deep contact is to slow things down. Slowing down enough to make a vibrational connection in order to let your partner feel you and vice versa. This is not easy to do. But it’s often beautiful when it happens.

A couple needs to make contact through some tactile/emotional cue they can follow that tells them when they are “on” or “off.”  A couple can use hugging till relaxed and kissing and stopping to look each other in the eyes to deepen their connection, but it isn’t necessary.  Following the connection means you’re together, and that’s supposed to be what’s really important, isn’t it?

Eyes Open Sex

Last week, we talked about eyes open kissing. You might consider having sex with your eyes open. A vibrational link demands attention to your partner and staying present in the moment. Eyes-open sex is one way to do it.

You have to get to the point of comfort where having your eyes open contributes to your arousal, rather than distracting you or creating pleasure-reducing anxiety. Visual contact can put you in touch with your partner, but many people find that interferes with awareness of their sensations. Our anatomical ability to sustain eye contact during face-to-face intercourse facilitates our uniquely human capacity for intimacy during sex.

Theresa and Philip experienced this kind of benefit. Like many couples, they had never seen each other during sex. Theresa never watched Philip give her oral sex during thirty years of marriage. It wasn’t due to lack of opportunity and it wasn’t exactly going on behind her back! She felt too embarrassed to let her eyes open to see what she was getting. Philip occasionally opened his eyes during intercourse to watch their genitals, but never focused on Theresa’s face.

As they opened their eyes, there was some initial awkwardness but they soon grew to enjoy seeing each other during sex. They liked looking, talking, the change in pace, and the remarkable reduction in anxiety and increased connection that occurred.

The first time Theresa watched Philip give her oral sex, it had quite an impact. They recognized the significance of what was happening and it electrified their connection. Philip got really excited but instead of rubbing faster or harder as he often did, he moved slower. Philip found Theresa’s erotic “magic spot” and it turned out not to be a spot at all! It was an emotional connection that existed independent of body parts. He tasted her with his eyes as well as his tongue while they looked into each other.

Eyes open sex does more than add another dimension to our lovemaking: it makes ‘familiar’ behaviors seem like new things we’ve never done.

Eyes Open Orgasm

It’s hard to describe the impact of looking into the eyes of someone you love as you reach orgasm. Looking into each other and climaxing can be electric, tender, forceful, and nurturant, all at once.

Having an eyes-open orgasm usually requires a level of partner engagement so profound that your spouse becomes an integral part of our arousal pattern (rather than a distraction from your sensations). This kind of emotional transparency requirers a high level of self-acceptance based on knowing who you are and what your partner is likely to see.

However there are several reasons why you shouldn’t feel inadequate if you can’t reach orgasm with your eyes open. First off, you have a lot of company, since most people can’t. It is estimated that only thirty to forty percent of us have sex with our eyes open and only seven to fifteen percent can reach orgasm that way.

Recognizing these points can help you remember that eyes-open sex and orgasm are about exploring your sexual potential rather than about setting benchmarks of adequacy or normality.

If you can’t have eyes-open orgasms, it doesn’t mean you always tune out your partner when you climax (although that’s what some people do). This doesn’t mean you’re not “really” intimate if you can’t, but there’s merit in recognizing how much farther you might go.

It shouldn’t surprise us that this form of sexual connection tends to occur more often as people mature. It’s another example of what we said earlier: most people don’t reach their sexual potential until the fourth, fifth, or sixth decade of life.

When intercourse is really intimate, you’ve reached a pinnacle of human development, which is what eyes-open orgasm can be for us.