Marriage Maturity; Premarital Counseling
I was married at 20 years of age. Yikes! I was not mature enough to be married. And yes that marriage ended in divorce. Do you have the maturity to be married?
Pre-marital counseling drops the divorce rate by 30%. Pre-marital counseling reveals your maturity to be married.
Before you set the date, I suggest pre-marital counseling. Some of the topics discussed in premarital counseling:
- God and how will God be a part of your lives and the lives of your children. Some engaged couples have different religious beliefs. Before marriage, those different religions don’t seem important. However when children are born, those differences start to come out.
- Who will handle what chores?
- Will we buy a place or rent a place?
- How do we merge our finances? Do we have a pot where we put all our money in it and pay all of our bills and separate out some fun money?
- Or, do we do the hostile thing and say, this is your money and this is my money and then fight over who pays for things. Those people are those who don’t know how to commit.
- Do we want kids and how many?
- Sex and what are your expectations about sex in marriage? Do you have every week or every day fantasies? Thoughts? Preferences?
- Will we have cats, dogs, and birds and if we do, who takes care of what?
- How will we handle time alone? Everybody needs down time and their own time.
- Do the in-laws like us and do we like them? Do you expect to be with your parents every weekend? What about holidays and how will we divide our time between the different holidays.
- What about hobbies? Your fiancée likes to golf every Saturday and Sunday and will that work out for you?
Pragmatic and Deep
- Pre-marital counseling gets pragmatic and deep. People typically don’t want to talk about these kinds of things. Because, they don’t want the other person to get mad at them. They fear a break up if they discuss it.
- What are our life goals and what are we thinking about retirement? Do you want to retire?
- In a corporate job most of us will retire. If someone has a calling, he/she typically doesn’t want to retire. A corporate job is not a mission or a purposeful life. It is a business arrangement and one typically retires from a corporate job.
- How often will your spouse be home when you have children? Sometimes a spouse may travel half the month, which isn’t good for a family with young children.
- Marriage is full of happiness, adventure, and great sex.
People assume that when they get married, the guy is going to be romantic protective and emotionally available. And, the women are going to be the motherly, nurturers and care givers by doing the cooking and cleaning. The men really do appreciate those things. Your fiancee needs to do these things before you get married because he/she will not do them after you get married.
If you want a woman who is motherly, nurturing and a caregiver who enjoys doing household chores, you want to make sure you marry one. If you want a man who is romantic, protective, and emotionally available, you want to make sure you get one of those.
You need to make a priority out of sex and affection. People don’t grow apart; they quit being affectionate. They stop touching, kissing, saying sweet things, being silly and sexy. You stopped and then when the other one has an affair, don’t whine about it when you have ignored your spouse for all these years. Being faithful is not the only vow we take. We also take the vows of love, honor, and cherish.
As we age, we all need to keep being affectionate and loving to each other. We never stop needing love and affection.
Disagreements are Normal; Fighting is Not
Fighting is immature and nasty. Disagreements are normal. Here is my point of view and what is your point of view. And, then you listen to the other person’s point of view. When you have a disagreement, you don’t want to have in your mind a notion of winning but a notion of solving the disagreement.
Fighting is bad and being punishing after a disagreement is mean. You both need to respect each other’s alone time. Keep talking about the things you need to do for each other in a marriage. Each of you needs your alone time. It’s like rebooting a computer. We all need alone time.
Don’t waste time in your life with the wrong man or woman. People will notice things that aren’t good in the other person and completely ignore it. People ignore it when they say things like, “I just want to be married and I don’t want to be alone” If you don’t acknowledge what’s wrong in the relationship, you will be divorced.
You need to work together to build a life, or you will be divorced.
Pre-marital counseling drops the divorce rate. And it will help you stay married until death do you part.