Sexual boredom is not inevitable
People often say, “I love him but I am not in love with him. “ The difference between being in love with him and loving him is that you desire him. When you love him, it is caring and wanting good things for him. When you are in love with him, you desire him. In a long-term marriage or relationship, some sexual boredom is inevitable. Long-term sexual boredom is not. Here are things that can interfere in our sexual intimacy.
- Integrity – How is a real woman supposed to behave in the bedroom? As a woman, we may have been brought up with the notion of down and dirty sex is for whores and prostitutes and passionate and intimate sex is love making between two people who are married or in a long term committed relationship.
Integrity is a result of us wanting acceptance from our partner. We don’t want to push our sexual boundaries out of fear that we could loose our partner. Or, he could think we are just plain wrong to want something like that.” That is why an affair or a one-night stand can be so sexually invigorating. We aren’t worried about their acceptanceWe are afraid to sexually experiment with our spouse because “What would our husband think of us if we would want to do that?” Let go of the ego and trust in our own sexual desires. We need to be able to self-soothe and not worry if things don’t go well as we push the sexual boundaries.
We need variety in our lives and in the bedroom. I certainly don’t want spaghetti every night nor do I want the same sexual routine every night.
- Balance of individual time and couple time– We need to have time as a couple and time as an individual. The couple needs to decide how much time they need together and how much time they desire to themselves to continue to pursue career goals, hobbies, and time with friends.
The time with others brings new life to the relationship. It brings in new thoughts and new perspectives and it rejuvenates the relationship. If there’s too much time as a couple, we can have emotional fusion, which keeps us bickering at each other on a regular basis.
Another word for this is smothering. It may feel like you are really connected but you need to move away from each other in order to breathe again. The bickering allows you to move away from your partner because you don’t have any individual time. Differentiation is maintaining your individual life as you balance your life with your lover. When it’s out of balance, your sex life plummets.
- We confuse genital sex with intimate sex – We all grow into better lovers, as we get older. And, it’s not the mechanics or the sex drive that makes us better. As we grow up, it’s the emotional connection that makes sex sizzle.
As David Schnarch says in his book, The Passionate Marriage, when it comes to intimate sex, “There isn’t an 18 year old alive who can keep up with a healthy 60 year old. If we are going to develop the human in human sexuality, we need an approach that takes into account our biologically-based capacity to bring meaning to sex.”
If men struggle with erectile dysfunction, they may worry about letting their woman down. Well it isn’t only the genitals that keep sex exciting. It’s the love making with the thoughts and feelings that are soul stirring when making love.
We don’t need just the penis in order to make love. We have all kinds of body parts like hands and mouth to make love, and first and foremost, it’s the emotional intimacy that we share that builds the sexual desire.
- Poor Communication – When a couple’s communication breaks down, it is because we know what the other partner will say, and we don’t want to hear it. It isn’t that we know everything about our partner and we become bored.
Life is constantly evolving. Change is the most constant thing in our lives. We always have things to discuss. It’s setting the environment for the time to talk in order to share in each other’s lives.
That means that we need to set aside time with no intrusions of electronics or other people in our lives. We need to just sit with each other. Silence is a great way to begin to share all about our lives in the present moment. As a counselor, some clients’ biggest breakthroughs are when we share moments of silence.
Sharing in each other’s lives is a large part of our sexual potential. When our partner’s approval becomes more important than our own ideals and values, we quit disclosing to one another. We need to realize that our partners have different values and belief systems and we don’t need to beat them down until they believe like we believe.
It’s our partner’s importance to us that can create problems and hopefully solutions to promote ongoing happiness. If our partner knows that he/she is the most significant person in our lives, we have one happy relationship.
Parenting our Spouse
- Parenting our spouse – If we parent our spouse, it will surely kill the sex drive. No one wants to make love to his mother. We don’t want to nag or tell them how to do things. We don’t check in with them to make sure they do the things we told them to get done for the family.
Our spouse is a grown up, and we need to treat him like a grown up. We fell in love with who they are and marriage doesn’t mean we now have a right to change our spouse.
Polarization Keeps the Passion Hot
It is the polarization in the sexes that keeps the engines hot. Men and women are very different human beings. Men are simpler and need affection and appreciation. They typically don’t need to talk about emotions and the relationship. That’s why women have girlfriends.
If a man comes home after a bad day of work and his woman were to sexually titillate him to cheer him up, his mood would change in an instant. If a woman were to come home in a bad mood and her man would try to sexually titillate her to cheer her up, she may say, “Is that all you can think about at a time like this?”
You can see how we appear to be wired very differently. Let’s keep things hot and love our differences.
- Hit the Gym and Spa – We want to keep looking the best we can at any age. If we put on weight, it is disrespectful to the marriage. He fell in love with you and not your fat. Obesity isn’t attractive at any age. If someone isn’t taking care of him or herself and puts on a tremendous amount of weight, it’s hard to continue to be physically attracted to each other. Show respect for your vows and your marriage by taking care of yourself. Your spouse will love you for it.
- Continue to play with each other – Play is vital to a marriage. We want to continue to explore new destinations and new hobbies. Research showed that after a two minute obstacle course where the couple had to work together in order to complete it, that couple had a surge in overall happiness as a couple. If a two minute obstacle course can do that, imagine what learning to sail together could do for you as a couple. How about tonight you throw a spontaneous dance party?
- Allow a man to be a man in a relationship – Let’s tell our man how awesome he is and how well he is at balancing everything. We don’t want to complain about him to our girlfriends. We need to tell our girlfriends how much we admire him.
- Let him know you need him and ask for his help. Men are great at fixing things, including our emotional struggles. It’s okay if he wants to help you fix it and not just listen to your struggles. He’s a man. He is there to protect and provide for us and there aren’t too many real men left in this world.
- Men do great with specific instructions. The more specific we are in what we need and want, our man will provide it for us. We don’t want to be bossy. We want to be direct. If you need him to throw in a load of laundry, just ask him. If he isn’t a very good lover to you, tell him specifically on how to physically love you. And most of all, thank him, thank him, and thank him.
- Men are emotional creatures too. Allow him to be vulnerable and share with you his emotional struggles. If he can trust you with his emotions, he will swim through shark-infected waters to give you what you need.
- Forget the peck and give me a kiss – Make sure we kiss for more than 30 seconds a day. It’s hard to be mad or stay mad at each other if we kiss for 30 seconds or more. We can still be physically affectionate even though we are mad at each other. There is nothing like a long hot passionate kiss to melt away the anger.
- Compliment each other – We are never too old to enjoy a compliment. We all need love and we never grow out of needing love. We all need validation and we never grow out of needing validation.
- Don’t bring up items in the past that still bother you – What good is that? We need to let each other off the hook and give each other a hall pass. We may have violated a person’s trust in the past. Even the people that love us the most, can betray us. We are human beings. Let’s not be so hard on each other. If it happened more than 6 months ago, we need to never bring it up again. We do not want to go back and drudge up old wounds. Like I said, what will we really accomplish if we do that? We are still together and have both chosen to be together even though we know how the other one has hurt us or violated our trust. Don’t bring it up again.
- Initiate sex – We need to do what is best for the marriage. Sex keeps the marriage vital and strong. Sex is the one thing we share with our spouse that we share with no one else. Let’s not cheapen it by going elsewhere or inviting anyone else into our bedroom with us. It is special. I wouldn’t wear my wedding dress to lunch. Why wouldn’t I wear my wedding dress to lunch? My wedding dress is special. Intimate sex is something just between the two of you.
Men are easy to please. They need appreciation, affection, and admiration. Also, a good massage and they are a happy spouse.
Sexual Passion Does Not Die
If we look at our marriage as the most important thing and more important than our individual needs, we will not want to turn our partner’s sexual advances down. Of course there are really valid reasons like illness or injuries. If we are too tired, sex will help us sleep. If we are stressed, sex will reduce stress. Sex will even help relieve your headache.
We may be too tired after work and not feel like going to dinner with our friends. We decide to go anyway and find that we really had a good time.
If we like sex and we are a little too tired and not feeling like we are “in the mood,” Relax and let go and go with it when our partner initiates some sexual intimacy. Rejecting your partner can harm the relationship. We need to do what’s best for the relationship and not what’s best for us individually. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy a great orgasm?
When we get married, we need to remember that our vows aren’t love, honor and cherish when I feel like it. We need to continue to pay attention to our lover and spouse and not just when we feel like it. It needs to be a constant state of mind.