Foreplay Lost Art Kissing Improved
As a woman, kissing is my favorite part of foreplay. Kissing reduces stress and increases social bonding. Many of my clients report making love without even kissing each other. We seem to have lost the art of foreplay.
Kissing is a common behavior in foreplay. Stress releases cortisol, which is toxic to our bodies. Kissing decreases cortisol levels. The longer the couples had been in a relationship, the further their cortisol levels dropped. Researchers found that oxytocin, our attachment hormone, ONLY increases in men.
Females put more emphasis on kissing and most would choose to not have sex without kissing first. Men, on the other hand, would have sex without kissing beforehand; they would have sex with someone who wasn’t a good kisser. Kissing styles flavor every sexual encounter and reveal more than we think.
Good Kiss and Bad Kiss in Foreplay
At one time or another, we all may have experienced:
- The soft but electric kiss of a familiar lover.
- The hard kiss of passion.
- The breathy kiss of tasting and smelling each other’s body.
- The gentle bite on the lip from someone begging to be “rode hard.”
Then there are the all-too familiar kisses that convey the thorns of one’s marriage:
- The mushy, limp kiss of passivity and withheld eroticism.
- The perfunctory kiss on the way to the office.
- The sloppy, soupy, wet kiss that triggers anger rather than desire.
- The rigid tongued kiss of the mechanical lover.
- The smothering kiss that rekindles childhood fears of an intrusive, engulfing parent.
- The impatient kiss of a partner preoccupied with more important things.
Foreplay And It’s Interpreted Message
Foreplay is where we negotiate the levels of intimacy, eroticism, meaning, and emotional connection (or lack thereof) in what follows next. Foreplay is a fact and always occurs. Nobody does foreplay the same way. How is it that so many couples argue over foreplay, despite the fact that we are bombarded daily with foreplay instructions in magazines?
The message of foreplay isn’t confined to the lips. Where are your partner’s (or your) hands? Do you gently touch each other’s face while kissing? Does your hand softly stroke the back of your partner’s neck, sending electric shivers down his or her spine?
Kissing reveals more than we realize and more than we like. Kissing always contains the emotional “signature” of the kisser and kissee. It contains our reactions to who kissed us and how they kissed. Your interpretations about your partner’s kissing may say more about you than him or her.
The safe interpretation to make about your reaction to foreplay is what it says about you. “I feel that way because of you” is emotional. “What does it say about me that I feel this way?” is constructive.
Foreplay And Intercourse
So how do you know when it’s time for intercourse? Typical answers include:
- “When he/she seems impatient.”
- “When he/she touches my genitals for a while.”
- “When he gets an erection or is afraid he’ll ejaculate.”
- “When I’m bored (or my partner is).”
- “When he/she wants to get it over with.”
Notice that none of these answers has anything to do with intimacy; they reveal sexual performance concerns or impatience. It’s rare for either partner to say, “Foreplay’s over when we’re so hot and full of desire that I think we’lll explode if we don’t go on to something else!”
The shift from foreplay to intercourse doesn’t “just happen.” Becoming aware that it involves a decision often has an impact. Couples realize foreplay is a negotiation process. This realization allows both partners to make decisions more deliberately and take more control of their sex and their lives. Foreplay involves lots of signaling, counter signaling and unconscious “pushing and shoving.” It’s hidden under common problems like low sexual desire, lack of arousal, and problems with genital function. By the time kissing stops and fondling begins, someone often gives up in disappointment and lumbers thought the main event.
Your style of foreplay is connected to what is inside of you. Changing that is always a significant (but not necessarily unpleasurable) matter. Changing foreplay has a far-reaching impact in a marriage that has become routinized.
Open Your Eyes
Do you ever have foreplay with your eyes open? It’s amazing how many people haven’t. This highlights the fact that many of us are not intimate during sex and that sex itself isn’t inherently intimate.
It takes effort to avoid looking into each other’s eyes. Is eye contact natural and comforting or is it cold, vacant, disinterested, or threatening?
Kissing with your eyes open is often a path to intensely intimate and erotic sex. Beyond feeling a little silly and awkward at first, initial reactions are dramatic and you can’t begin to focus on your mouth. All you’re aware of is eyeballs. Actually, eyes-open kissing makes us acutely aware of ourselves. Often you want to “back off.”
When you open your eyes during foreplay and kissing, you may have difficulty keeping your genitals functioning. This demonstrates how we have learned to tune out our partner and ourselves in order to function sexually. Focusing on sensations is the most common sexual style. This is why intense intimacy is hard to tolerate; eye contact just makes it apparent.
The notion that “intercourse is the most intimate thing that two people can do” can be seen for the farce it is (for most people). Many couples are not really together when they “make love.”
Do you lie alone in silent darkness wondering about your partner’s thoughts? Are you millions of miles apart while your lips are pressed together? Do your tongues search out signs of life in a desert of alienation? Millions of couples know the thundering silence of dead sex. Very little can make you feel more lonely. Eyes-open foreplay can bring you an entirely different type of stillness; the centeredness of a profoundly intimate connection.
Eyes-open foreplay takes practice and self-discipline. It’s not easy but then neither is most of what’s meaningful in life.